Loving Family When We See the World Differently

I’m struggling this week, and writing has always been one of the ways I process what God is teaching me.

Family has a way of bringing out both the very best and the very hardest parts of us.

We celebrate together. We grieve together. We support one another through life’s biggest moments. Yet the people who know us best also have the greatest ability to hurt us, frustrate us, and challenge our patience.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that loving our family doesn’t always mean agreeing with them.

Families disagree about finances, addiction, parenting, relationships, politics, faith, and countless other things. Sometimes those disagreements last for a conversation. Other times they last for years.

One of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn is that love and agreement are not the same thing.

I recently read something that gave me a new perspective. It said that no two siblings are raised by the same parents.

At first, that didn’t make sense.

Then I thought about it.

Parents change over time. Families experience different seasons. Financial circumstances improve or become more difficult. New relationships enter the family. Loss changes people. Children are born years apart and experience different homes, different expectations, and different versions of the same parents.

The oldest child often carries responsibilities that younger siblings never experience. Younger siblings may grow up with freedoms that the oldest never imagined.

As the oldest in my family, I naturally became a caregiver. I helped raise my youngest sister, and because of that, I often viewed life through the lens of responsibility. She experienced our family differently than I did, and as adults, we sometimes struggle to understand one another because we are looking through two completely different windows.

Neither of us is necessarily wrong.

We’re simply shaped by different experiences.

That realization has challenged me as a Christian.

Scripture reminds us to “live at peace with everyone, as much as it depends on you.” Those words sound simple until emotions become involved.

It’s easy to extend grace to strangers.

It’s much harder to extend grace to family.

Especially when you believe someone is making choices that will ultimately hurt them.

Especially when you’ve spent years trying to protect the people you love.

Especially when your heart wants reconciliation, but your pride wants to be understood.

I’ve learned that following Christ doesn’t always mean having the right words.

Sometimes it means choosing silence instead of another argument.

Sometimes it means praying instead of proving a point.

Sometimes it means accepting that someone may never see life the way you do.

That doesn’t mean we ignore unhealthy behavior. It doesn’t mean we abandon healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not the opposite of love. In many cases, they are an expression of it.

What it does mean is that I can choose to love someone without carrying the burden of changing them.

That has not been an easy lesson for me.

Like many oldest daughters, I often feel responsible for fixing problems that were never mine to solve. I want peace. I want healing. I want everyone to understand one another.

But I’ve come to realize that reconciliation requires willing hearts on both sides.

The only heart I have control over is my own.

So I continue to pray.

I continue to ask God to soften my heart before asking Him to soften someone else’s.

I ask Him to help me listen more than I speak.

To love without conditions.

To forgive even when the apology never comes.

To remember that every member of my family is still growing, just as I am.

Family can be complicated.

Faith can be challenging.

Grace is rarely easy.

But I believe that choosing love, even when we disagree, reflects the heart of Christ more than winning any argument ever could.

Sometimes the greatest act of faith is not changing someone’s mind.

It’s trusting God with the parts of their story that we cannot control.

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“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Romans 12:18 (NIV)