All Relationships Are Not Created Equally
I’m going to broach a sensitive topic.
No judgment. Just my own observations from years of being connected to this life and this system.
My loved one has been behind the wall for multiple decades, so it is fair to say I have seen some things.
I have seen thriving relationships.
I have seen broken relationships.
I have seen marriages built on real love and commitment.
And I have seen marriages built on convenience, loneliness, survival, or fantasy.
I have also seen people come home, rebuild their lives, and create something beautiful after incarceration.
And I have seen others never make it home at all.
That reality changes the way you look at relationships formed in this environment.
One thing I have learned is this:
Know who you are choosing to sacrifice your:
- time
- money
- mental health
- emotional health
- physical energy
for.
Because maintaining a relationship with an incarcerated individual is not easy.
It requires patience.
Sacrifice.
Trust.
Consistency.
Emotional maturity.
And the truth is, not everyone entering these relationships fully understands what they are stepping into.
I am personally not a supporter of pen pal love affairs.
That may be unpopular to say, but it is my honest opinion.
Unless there is an existing history between you and that incarcerated individual, and unless you truly know who that person is beyond the environment they are living in, I think people should move very carefully before emotionally investing themselves.
Prison is an unnatural environment.
People are isolated.
People are lonely.
People are surviving emotionally however they can.
And sometimes people present versions of themselves that are not fully authentic.
That does not make every incarcerated individual manipulative or dishonest. Not at all.
But I do think it is important for people to understand the difference between:
- genuine connection
and - emotional dependency created by circumstances.
I have watched people sacrifice years of their lives trying to save someone who was never honest with them from the beginning.
And I have watched others build beautiful, loyal, deeply committed relationships that survived incredible circumstances.
Both realities exist.
That is why discernment matters.
Love alone is not enough.
Trust matters.
Character matters.
Consistency matters.
Authenticity matters.
And most importantly, your own well-being matters too.
Do not lose yourself trying to rescue someone else.
This post is not meant to discourage healthy relationships with an incarcerated individual.
It is simply a reminder to move carefully, think clearly, and protect your emotional health while navigating an already emotionally complex environment.
Families impacted by incarceration already carry enough.
Be intentional about who you allow to carry pieces of you too.